JACOB

By: Mollie Merkel

Jacob is the second oldest sibling in my family. But, he was the first gay. As in Homosexual. He was born fussy, but that has no relation to his sexuality…that I know of. To top it off, he was a callick baby. Allegedly he cried during much of his time as a newborn. Unlike me who waited till my early 20’s to start crying in public. He got right to it.

Jacob was my role model, my hero, and my fascination. But at the same time, I was terrified of him too. He was into gymnastics and pepperoni pizza. He loved frozen bagels and taking them out of the freezer and putting them in the toaster. If you tried to emulate him, he would say things like “Lay off my Wagel Fat”. He was sort of absurd from the beginning, which I loved. Much like Fred Armisen playing the character qfrom Women and Women First bookstore: there was a method to the madness. Ridiculousness did have an intellectual value.

QqqqqqHe often wore black spandex shorts with yellow stripes and spent his days in the splits watching Jerry Springer and laughing. He got a kick out of that side of life: where people had problems. His room was covered in magazine scrapings of Kate Moss, a waifish model too short to be a model (5 foot 6 inches). I craved to know him. But I also never wanted to get too close. There was something maniacial about him. I wanted to observe him first. I knew I’d get close to him. I just wasn’t sure when.

When he was cast as the Nutcracker in the Nutcracker my mom told me we were going to The Weinberg Center to see him. This would be my first trip to the “theatre”. It was the first time I had to dress up and be “seen”. I shaved my legs with my dad’s manly Gillette razor. I’m not sure if my mother allowed it but I was doing what I wanted to that night. Even coming up with my own slogan, “What happens at the Nutcracker, stays at the Nutcracker.” I remember watching him in his tights doing ballet moves. The ballet performance didn’t do much for me but I wasn’t giving up on him. I saw his potential.

Later that year he was cast as Tom in Tom & Huck, a play being performed in our hometown. Huck was played by Tyler Buckaloo, who was apparently flown out to Hollywood to do spots on television shows. Instantly I was intrigued. My brother was going places. And where we grew up that meant something. Most people in my hometown in Walkersville, Maryland were just going to St. Peters to sing Amazing Grace and put the body of Christ under their tongue. The play was extremely entertaining and I was hooked on the arts.

Jake was officially the coolest person not only in my family, but in our home town. He seemed to not care what others thought of him which made me love him even more. I never could find an opening with him. So I kept watching. I kept my head down. Did my sports. I was a star too, but he never seemed to notice.

Sammy Spades was a model and cast as a minor role in Tom & Huck. She soon became his girlfriend. He had a model shot of her in his bedroom which he pulled out of his file cabinet one day to show me. He said, “This is my girlfriend, isn’t she pretty? Her name is Sammy Spades’’. I believed she was pretty…but I didn’t believe that she was his girlfriend. Come on, I thought…as I glanced at the television. He was watching womens gymnastics and most specifically Dominique Dawes on the floor exercise. I nodded and played along. And Tom Cruise really loved Katie Holmes. Sure. He seemed far more into Tyler Buckaloo, and would often go over to his house after school to dabble in light drugs.

Later that year he became increasingly attentive to Bette Midler. He sang the Rose with the piano accompaniment for his eighth grade graduation. He cracked his knuckles as he dove into the piece. When he sang, “some say love is a flower and you it’s only seed,” I’m pretty sure he wasn’t thinking of Sammy Spades.

It was Christmas Day and my family was unwrapping gifts. He was unwrapping a box and inside he discovered a Top Hat. It was as if time stopped. We all gazed at him as he opened it, gasped, and shouted out loud, “It’s the one that I’ve always wanted.” You can not beat that reception if you are a parent. So many gifts go unused or tossed into a corner. But his gift went right on top of his head. It reminded me of the Nicholas Sparks quote, “Love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.” It was in this very moment I knew Jacob was gay.

He started doing drugs after school pretty regularly. I became more and more concerned yet interested in his psychology. He would drive our forest green Toyota minivan with me and all of my siblings in the back. He’d step on it and laugh. I believe he was on a combination of a Roy Rogers combo meal and Special K. He was the Joker before Heath Ledger or Joaquin.

Some days I’d come up to his room and he would have Bruce Springstein playing in the background. He’d say odd things to me like, “if you ever get a cold Mollie, boil hot water in a pot and put a towel over your head. All the congestion leaves your head. My friend who does Heroine taught me that.” Then he’d ask if I would be okay if he died. Of course I didn’t want him to die, I hadn’t even gotten to know him yet!

He went to Drexel University in Philadelphia and studied international business and minored in raving. He had a dagger ring on his ring finger and I thought, great, another wedding ending in divorce; only half his assets were UFO pants and hydrogen peroxide to dye his hair. He became best friends with a beautiful woman named Kristen Eskin. She was like the Sarah Jessica Parker of Philadelphia and I knew her good heart and great fashion sense would keep him alive for his four years there.

Jake moved to LA and got increasingly worse. He was so drunk one night looking for his Honda in a parking garage that another car hit him. The accident resulted in an ACL tear which led to him getting addicted to painkillers. It got messy after that…I’d have dreams where they called and said he died. I still wanted to know him more and prayed he’d stick around so we could have more time.

The thing that terrified me the most was also the thing that excited me the most…I was just like him. Gay and into the arts. We weren’t that much different, minus the top hat of course.

Jacob worked at a fancy Italian Restaurant In Los Angeles and the hostess there really loved him. Her name was Crystal Angel. She cared about Jake so much she called me one night. Then my dad. She said I think Jake will die without an intervention. No one can get through to him. We all wrote letters to him explaining what we would miss about him if he kept drinking. My dad flew out for the intervention. At first Jake was angry. He told my dad to leave. I guess that’s usually the first part of people encroaching on something you don’t want to give up. The letters sunk in after a couple of months.

On Easter Sunday Jake finally decided to get sober. Just like that. No treatment center. But he went to his first AA meeting. He’s become a very talented psychiatric nurse. He is gifted at calming anyone down that’s seemingly lost their mind. I’m extremely proud of him in many ways: him becoming a contributing member of society, his sense of humor, and his big heart.

But more than anything, I am really glad he’s still here.